I think the thing that bugs me the most about other people is getting mixed signals. Like when you see a friend you haven't seen in a while at a restaurant and they say "hey...?" like they've never met you before. Or like when someone says "I love you" but when they see you in person it's like you don't exist. I don't understand. That's bothersome for me.

mixed signals;

but if you bring it up,

it's not them, its you.

like somehow they make you believe its all in your head. what to do, what to do? it's a silly thing, breathing for another. before that, being alone was fine. but all of a sudden after you know, after you've tasted it, whats its like, you can't go back. the last thing in the world you want is going back to the way it was before. its silly.

get lost.

This person. She keeps my head up. She reminds me there's things to look forward to. That we can go out and take photographs that are so honest. Sans photoshop. Sans filters and curves and artificial light. She reminds me we are alive. And we love it. I love lenses and shutters and winding film. Ah! film! so genuine. I love friends. Good company. Keeping my brain looking forward to things. Dear randistarandi, you are, quite easily, my favorite human being. And you others, that have also been helping me along the way; dear shirley, for spending nights with me and making sure i'm not alone, dear macy, for reminding me that acceptance is easy and that looking past things that've already happened, they don't matter so much, and for listening to my craziness and being okay with it. Dear tara, for just making me laugh when i need it most; as well as Jasmine, Tania, Jordan, and all the rest of my lovely friends that've been keeping an eye on me. Thank you. Thank you. I am eternally grateful. And I appreciate your willingness to help and understanding. Mmm. I love you. You are loved.

tenatively.

Schedule, roughly from Monday morning until Wednesday evening:

1. Got my dream cell phone, again.
2. Shot two rolls of film of my very best friend.
3. Saw my other two best friends at a lovely orchestra concert.
4. Got film developed.
5. Went to lunch with the most amazing person on the planet.
6. Made love.
7. Went to dinner with the most amazing person on the planet.
8. Received a new baby nephew, one Damian James.
9. Got a horrible phone call, got my heart trampled on.
10. Picked up film prints.
11. Delivered film negatives
12. Cried and cried.
13. Saw shirley.
14. Cried more.
15. Saw randi, ate chunky monkey ben&jerry's together
16. Looked over prints
17. Held back tears.
18. Worried worried worried. About your well-being.
19. Fell asleep only out of exhaustion.
20. Woke up. wondered where you were.
21. Wondered why the one person I talked to, I couldn't talk to anymore.
22. Slept more.
23. Cried more.
24. Didn't leave my bed all day.
25. Eyes became exhausted from tears.
26. Wondering why it all happened so fast and without warning.
27. Thinking about how its funny that when I've got not much to live for at the moment, I consider getting a job.

What've I been reduced to? I feel ashamed, so small. Fragile. Frailty and weakness. I've no idea where to go from here. Sad songs and no thoughts. Nothing but you. I want no one, but you.

It's funny how things can change so quickly. What crazy days!

....

.....and just like that
we took our last breaths
heaving sighs and stuttering inhales interrupted by tears
even though "we loved with a love that was more than love"
who says how long love can last?
horridly apparent, nevermore.
alone, alone. awfully so.
quite possibly the worst way.
when trust is all we were riding on, the chord was snipped into nothing.
dropped into the farthest outer limits of space
drifting on my unknowings.
how did we get here?
the conscientious decision to pull the rug out from underneath my feet.
to put an end to the happiness.
leaving me in a constant state of wonder, and delusions.
a dream within a dream, i cease to exist, or forget how to.

right-o.

went up to salt lake for a spot of tea with the lovely boy today. he got english breakfast tea and i got a mocha coffee (my usual) as well as brunch, and oh, it was delicious! as well as beautiful. I've never seen such a beautiful place in my life. ah, so lovely.

lovely company. lovely food. lovely music. lovely day. mmm, yes, <3.

I'm so excited to get randi's photos back tomorrow. I'll post at least one when I get them back and scanned. abandonded houses and striped walls. hehe.

persistence of memory.

thank you, little followers. hehe. the numbers slowly climbing.

12.

not much. but more than none. thank you, for caring and sharing!

I was up until 5 am this morning working on my painting final, thinking i really shouldnt have waited until the night before to start it. I can pound out portraits like nobodies business and usually within 3-4 hours but painting shiny metal on melted clocks i've found takes more patience and care. but, eight hours later, i finished! (and got a 98!)

(there's a few things missing between the original and mine, can you spot them? hehe). most people say this piece is influenced by the freudian analysis of dreams but the freudian trend didn't really hit until after the A-bomb was dropped in 1940-something. This piece was painted in 1930...one? either way, before the freudian influence had really hit society. soooo i'm thinking dali was just on alot of heavy drugs when he painted this piece? "mm.....melted butter....oh look at the time!" or perhaps he'd just been much more up on his reading.

dee dee.

ahhh. new music. new-found old friend. no more negativity. i feel like, thought it was a step in a frightful direction, i made the right choice. i earned acceptance and that shows i had nothing to fear. silly me! either way. thank you friend. a weights been lifted. we can take steps forward.

I'm so SO excited to be done with school. I'm craving adventure and romance. I think I may pull out my purple jeans. I think I miss them. hehe. as ridiculously awful as they may be. Warm weather and new found knowledge of art history and marxism. I can take on the world!

serendipitous.

Serendipitous days. The writings. Single light bulbs. Lightening storms. Spider friends. Taj Mahal paper packs. Sensuous sandwiches. Ripped tights. Chanced stoplight meetings and the smell of nag champa. dumb and dumber. peanut m&m's. developing tanks (don't forget these moments). specific fabrics and love. finals finals finals. the classes i love so much. frilly shoes. the movement of clouds. rockabilly music and antique furniture. freaky art and kitchy things. fingers through my hair. stars and thoughts.

another update.

official trailer released, i am now more excited than ever to see this movie!




IT. LOOKS. SO COOL.

more more more feminism.

this woman. influences. wonder. bell hooks is such a wonderful woman. she has influenced my life greatly since i was first introduced to her writings in the 9th grade. a marxist feminist. she believes that everyone deserves mutual respect and understanding. she makes people understand that feminism is not a movement of women, but of people, working to diminish stereotypes and exploitation. that people of all classes and races should not be discriminated against. and that without love, there can be no justice. a writer of over twenty books, including childrens books, and making politics and feminism so incredibly easy to understand and relate to, bell hooks is easily one of the most progressive thinkers of yesterday and today. i got the opportunity to meet this lovely lady today and she was everything i hoped for and more. such a caring and genuinely sweet character who was so eager to meet everyone around her. i was so incredibly nervous when i finally shook hands with her, i introduced myself twice. face red, and camera ready, i snapped a few portraits of her on HP5 plus black and white film and bid her adiou only to reunite with her after her lecture to her saying "hello jordan!" and me getting giddy and wonderfully happy again. there is nothing about the spirit of this woman that people shouldn't learn from. she's so incredible and i'd urge anyone to read her books.





mmmmmm lovely <3