Summer Solstice.

Celebrate life; with the summer solstice. Being out from sun up until sun down. You and I, we woke up early. Not too early, but considerably. Tired, still. We drove down to the sandwich shop to pick up lunch. We didn't eat, but put the food in our bags. We drove; and drove; and drove. Through sun-lit trees with bright green leaves; groves. Winding roads with the windows down. Fresh air; fresh mountain air. We walked; with deep breaths and tired laughs. We walked through trees, over dirt, and under oxygen; under the sky: blue blue blue. Tank tops and sneakers. Tripping over rocks. Over logs; over rivers. We talked. Movies and such. We rounded that corner, and saw the sun shining through the trees; onto the waterfall. We climbed the giant rock with slippery feet; and ate our sandwiches. Climbing back down, with our bums on the ground, down the steep rock, we put our toes in the water. The freezing water. We laughed and screamed, we wanted to run through the waterfall, but once the water became knee-deep, we chickened; because it was so cold. We trekked back down the mountain, barefoot. Rocks and all. Between conversations, half-hearted "ouch"'s. We drove; through the trees, and through the birds and spiders. Back down the path; that led to your house. Still early-morning. We got your front yard sprinkler. The fountain! How glorious! Bathing-suit-clad, we ran. Through the specs of water and rainbows. Hair soaking wet and shivering, we walked in the sun. We went to the marcado. We bought a Coke; in bottles. Hissing when the lid was removed and breathing a cold sigh of relieve. We walked into the sun.

real friends.

&& then;;; a different you & i. we went. we stumbled. we sweat in the hot summer heat. the long drive up but we both knew it was worth it. we made small talk; even though there were more words that needed to be said. we traveled; 80 miles per hour. you told me; you don't know how far a mile is; you use kilometers. you told me about your fear of glass floors; because of that time when you were five; and your older brother threw you onto one; you thought you were going to fall through. from so high up. you made voices, and screamed "AHH!" as if you were living the fright again. I laughed. you laughed. we reached our destination. we walked. through the hot sun; you in a plaid flannel long-sleeved shirt; and me thinking you were crazy. we walked inside the cafe. you liked it! i ordered. then you. i laughed when you pronounced "mint mocha" smoothie like "m-eye-nt moe-CHa"; the cashier looking at you and not knowing what you were saying; and me luckily understanding. i translate. i look at you. we walk. we sit. we talk. we drink. you laugh. i snap your photo. you laugh at me for hating pictures; as you secretly take one of me. you say you find things like this back home all the time. we eat. we leave. we walked. through the sun; more and more. around blocks and blocks; of tall shiny buildings as you tell me how much you love new york. i remember the dirt in my toes from earlier that day. I miss it. now in the city of concrete. we go into the antique store; with the giant fluffy cat. full of shoes and dresses and typewriters from the 70's. as we're walking and talking; you decide you want to see a movie; you insist i come. tonight. yes. now. lets go. we scramble; to my hot car. we drive drive drive. we buy tickets; i see old friends. i introduce you. you say "you have the bluest eyes!" i couldnt agree more. we wait for the movie; we browse the mall. we snap photos in a photobooth. you wouldnt take off your sunglasses; the ones you got in a gas station for ten dollars. & as we watch the movie; i keep thinking how i might have a small crush on bradley cooper. tss. the drive home; you teach me french. comment allez-vous, you ask? bien; i reply; embarrassed. only imagining how terrible my accent must be. you make fun of me; after i say you talk beautifully; by repeating everything i say; back to me in french. i admit, i like to listen.

the last few days;

have been so beautifully wonderful! no particular reason. I've just been lucky. My eye keeps spotting unexpected beauties everywhere. i quite love it. i hope things continue to be as serendipitous as they have. from - - so many antique stores! with so many of my favorite people! to tea time in my favorite place with my favorite person. to coffee and windy streets with someone so lovely. clouds in the sky and maybe...mmm...some purchases; hehe.

who says it cant buy happiness?!

LOVE. completely!

i wonder sometimes.

about how people develop. why do we all seem relatively happy as children, but grow old to be at a loss of hope and saddened and beat up by the world? why is it that when we're children everyone says "stop it" "shush" "you can't do that. you shouldn't do that"; and after a while, we start believing them? why are so few of us left active, healthy, and without personality disorders? we grow up to be the old cynical people we never wanted to be. Or the lonely, and sad, only because we accustom ourselves to believe that the world is too much to handle. It never used to be. We were just curious. Young and bright eyed. More full of wonder than anything else. The world was strange, but not a place to be afraid of.

--

So lets become children again. Regain control over ourselves and our perception of the world. Lets tell ourselves we can, instead of we can't. Lets make our worlds small, know our neighborhoods and ride bikes. Spend time with each other just because we've got all day. Play night games and quit worrying about mosquitos or work in the morning. Let the idea of money become abstract and unimportant. Learn to bake and have conversations. Receive heirlooms from strangers and become ourselves again. it might be difficult, but it's worth a shot. to enjoy ourselves and our existence. i think we can. mmm. yes. to become lovely.

<3 love. completely.

light.

I'm not sure what it is about photography that makes my heart sing. It's like a drug for me. I need it. I crave it. And when I nail something absolutely the way i saw it in my head, there's no way to describe that feeling. Works of art. Instantly. Tara is SO gorgeous and its amazing what you can do with just a little eyeliner and a few scarves. No makeup artists, no hairstylists. Just us. Me and a camera. Her and herself. And magic! My touch-up skills could still use some work, but I'm completely satisfied. This hobby is the best one I could've picked! <3

dreamy.

i feel incredibly inspired lately. to make and create things!
i want photoshoots!
i want clothing!
i want makeup, and hair!
i want to capture it. amazing works of art. all mine. i want books and friends and cups of tea.
please play with me?
my darling dear.
clear headed.
warm months.

thank you, for the relaxation.

remembering when.

ironically called "remembering when";
thats exactly what i was doing all night,
at the art ball.
this time,
i went solo.
well, third-wheeled.
which, might have been worse?

i remembered when we danced out on the patio,
in the chilly air.

they danced; i watched.

i remembered when we held hands, and surrounded by art, you couldnt take your eyes off of me.

they held hands; i watched.

i remembered when we had conversations all evening; during dinner, and during the ball.

they talked; i listened.

i remember walking through the sculpture garden, and sitting in the photo room talking about glory paintings.

they and me, we took a photo. them two, and me.

now i sit, remembering the earrings you got me in india; i wore them tonight.
while i sat alone; and looked at someone else's old photographs.
i wonder why, its so hard for me to be this one person,
when it used to be all i knew.
i wonder why, everyone is coupled up, and i appear to be the only one alone.
i feel like i'm intruding.
i wonder how, anything could really be wrong;
i'm alive; above ground and vertical.
but there's more;

goodness, i miss you. it grows more and more each day.

<3 i do love you.

only you.

my hands clenched around my steering wheel.
white-knuckled.
for the entire hour drive.
sitting up on the edge of my seat.
too frantic even for tears.
it was the longest hour of my life. it felt like days, and days.
thoughts racing. thoughts too gruesome; shaken out of my skull.
"no no, don't think like that. its impossible."
still-faced.
silent.
speeding.
wishing wishing wishing.
black skies and black roads.
three a.m.
exhausted; adrenaline pumping through my veins.
running inside your house. the door was unlocked.
i found you; a giant bottle of whiskey in your hands and tears streaming down your face.
"i'm tired," you said. "i love you, but i'm tired. exhausted."
you said you wanted to die.
there is no actual reason for valuing life over death, you say.
and i sit and wonder, why didn't your father listen to me when i told him you were in this state?
i took your whiskey; and i emptied it down the drain, and threw away the bottle.
and lied to you about it.
saying i dont know where it went.
you were drunk enough to think you'd misplaced it.
i wanted to teach you the value of life.
dr. manhattan style.
i wanted to show you that in life, millions upon millions of cells compete,
and humans; they couple up
and thousands of years later, your mother falls in love with a man she has every reason to hate,
and upon this contradiction of unfathomable odds,
it's you that ends up, distilled in so specific a form;
only you.
its like turning air into gold.
a miracle.
why wont you just understand?
you're a miracle. your very existence.
please, please, try for me.
"miracles by their definition are meaningless."
but you've proved that wrong by sitting in my sight, existing; in the first place.
please,
please,
no need to make things so complicated.
i just wish you'd listen.

bang bang.

i guess i'm not the only one who's had an off last few days. just off. weird. something doesn't feel right. it's not just me.

bad luck.

i remember you; and me. happy-go-lucky. not even expecting a thing.
art ball.
that was honestly, ....honestly, the best night of my life. best evening. best date. perhaps the night i fell for you. hard.
you showing up at my doorstep in a lavender-pin-striped suit. saying i looked beautiful.
we both knew i was on my period.
feeling like a fat cow. maybe hot flashes. insecurity. feeling ugly.
but you, you said i was the most beautiful woman you've ever seen; that night.
in a borrowed dress from the gap, and a feather in my hair.
eating at the trolley explaining that eating salads is more awkward than it should be when the lettuce is cut into large pieces. please don't look at me while i shove rabbit food in my face.
but we laugh. those awkward i-hardly-know-you-but-i-like-you laughs.
you took my hand and danced with me to cha-cha music in the background;
explained foreign art characteristics;
held my hand;
stole my heart;
drove me downtown to grab a root-beer float and let me wear your jacket in the chill of still-april air;
drove me home all the while telling me i'm beautiful;
took a walk with me around my block, kissing me softly; still telling me i'm beautiful.
me blushing. insanely blushing.
this nerdy incredible beautiful funny boy with hair longer than mine; that always smells like coconut.

and here i sit. alone again. the art ball in two days. no way it will compare. my heart aches. i don't want to go alone; not without you. i'm alive again with salty eyes just wishing for a moment we could be in love again. how silly i am. living in a dream. silly silly me. a silly impossible dream.
i miss you.

sweet, sweet sorrow.

Someone recently asked me, "which songs make you cry?"
To which I responded, "hmm?"
Only to have him show me a Blondie song with a beautiful bass line. His eyes teared up.
it was beautiful.
I loved seeing him that way. This way I've never seen him.
Sad emotions that have something wonderful to say.
So then I thought, and I remembered.
Nights driving in my car, my heart broken, a mixed cd in the stereo and my eyes flooded with salty tears; the music washing over me and my heart feeling like it could burst.
Fists trembling, cheeks pink and sticky.
all alone, all alone, all along.
again, breathing for one.
silly plans broken; loss of appetite.
take it in.
feeling emotions so strong, it only proves you are human.
to hate hate hate, and love the sadness. poetic.
feel it in your veins, your finger tips, your ribcage.
this, this is what it feels like to be alive.
a simple compromise. to feel so saddened. but to be alive.

you are alive.
breathing. blood vessels in-tact. to hear such sweet music with such a broken heart, no wonder the tears come so easily. this lovely awful paradox.
shaking, crying, feeling so small, in the same place; that same car, where nights were spent, just the two of you. you'd lean the front seats back and relax on his chest and try to get comfortable in an awkward space. at 3 am. in a convenience-store parking lot. listening to the weepies and singing quietly along dedicating every word to him.
and feeling like you could cry then, too.
in the passenger's seat, he's just a ghost now.
so happy then, and not even knowing what lie ahead; all this sorrow.
heartache.
silly, silly, silly.
complete opposite emotions. you think back, you could never feel so alive as you did then.
well,
this is it.
just now. the music; shaking; dark blue skies and black surroundings.
you are alive again.
just this time by yourself.

here are some songs, please enjoy. if you've got some time, kick back, eh?
maybe you wont understand. or maybe you will completely.
perhaps more than one tear dropped while writing and compiling this.
now you know.

(normally not a huge fan of Say Anything, this song is wonderful. The song speaks of a couple during World War II, hiding from Nazi's. He says even if they get caught he'll still think of her every day and if he gets killed, her love will fill him as warm as the bullets. She'll be his last thought).




<3

girlmonsterrr.

sometimes.

sometimes all you need are a few simple beautiful pictures to make your day a whole lot better...




using a camera I was completely unfamiliar with, i think i coped pretty well. i'm trying to save up money for my own lovely baby camera. i do think i love this hobby quite a bit.