despair.

Sometimes, the world just doesn't go the way you'd like it to. One slip or one wrong thing said can switch your mood from one end to another quicker than the mind can even register. Sometimes, you get your heart broken. And then, for some time after that, you cry. Your mind feels clouded, dark and dismal. Nothing seems kind or happy. You feel as if you haven't really laughed in a long time. Your heart feels heavy once again, but this time not with love, but with despair. For some time, you feel as if you've got no heart. All feeling has left the building.
And then:
Sometime after that, your feelings start to return. Your heart starts growing back. But sometimes in the process, our hearts can grow back crooked and mangled; which leaves us cold and full of hatred. Sadness for the world and anger against it's being so cruel to us. We feel no compassion, for some time. We hide in the shadows, acting like nothing has ever hurt us. We pretend. We pretend its all okay, but with a certain arrogance that screams that it's most certainly not okay. All the sarcasm, the wasting of time, you keep yourself busy.
But then:
One day (and maybe not yet) you realize that you're sick of being sad. Tired of being sick. For some time, you work on rebuilding the love in your heart. Though there's no one there to give it to, it works its way back into your framework with ease. You find it much easier to be kind than trying so hard to be mean and invisible. You build more bridges and once, you laugh. Once you stop thinking so hard and trying so hard to BE IN love, you focus on just loving. Love comes quicker and easier this way. Relax. Stop trying to rush into everything. Just live your life.

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent
Is he both able, and willing?
...Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God."
-Epicurus

i want to fall hard.

i want to fall deeply, and madly in love.

j. i wonder why you get so sad. i question it all the time. you have everything it seems. beautiful parents, nephews, and siblings. you have good friends, that check on you periodically while you sleep, to make sure you're alright. you have people that love you, the numbers higher than you know. you are the most intelligent and interesting person i've ever met, hands down. please understand, i am here. i wonder, why so many people my own age seem so unhappy with the way things are going. to the point of not even wanting to exist. obliterate themselves. K.O'd. Game over. please talk to me. we can make it through. there is happiness to be had.

brag braggy brag.

oooooookay so i feel lame even saying this but also i'm so excited! i went over to my friend ethan's house last night to do a little test shoot just because i haven't done a shoot in quite some time. the photos turned out so fun! he put one of them on his flickr account, and less than 24 hours later, it had more than 700 views and 64 favorites, and made it to the front page!



:)

one what this week?

bon soir! so since it's sunday, i figured i would follow in shirley's footsteps and make a ten-things-i'm-grateful-for-this-week blog.

10. SHIRLEY.
simple enough, it was her idea and she's such a lovely friend. you are mi italiano amore (i dont even know if thats correct?) but i love you. you life-inspire-er. you are my level-headed keep-me-on-track friend. you keep my feet on the ground and me laughing all day. ah! you're so great!


9. HANS.
'nuff said, hans is awesome. he's saved my life on more than one occasion and can always make me feel better about my situation by making fun of it. he talks to me on teh webcamz and shows me his funny hipster sleeveless shirts.



8. MY KITTY.
at this moment, she rests her face on my forearm and sleeps in my lap. darling darling baby, i love you more than most people. you get things, you know? understand when i'm sad, and love to play and cuddle when i'm happy. lovely little thing, you are the best thing in my life hands down.


7. MY MOM.
i'm not one of those kids who's in a hurry to move out so quickly. i love my parents, and they're cool with pretty much anything i want to do. my mother made me noodles with alfredo last night just because i mentioned i was craving italian, and took me to olive garden tonight, for no reason at all. these gestures mean more to me than you know, mommy, and i love you with all my heart. the most amazing woman i've ever met, and i'm so proud to be yours. love love love.


6. RANDI.
always always randi on the list. for being there for me in moments of crisis and happiness. willing to drop everything for me. ditch the boys and be with me. play dungeons and dragons with me and then talk trendy fashion the next. sea creature. i love you. thank you. for always being there.


5. MARION COTILLARD.
love her movies, love her face, love her acting. ahhh. favorite actress hands down. thank you for helping me escape the real world for a few hours at a time. enthralling performances. merci mon ami.


4. SHANE BOY.
no photo for this one (sad face) but...perhaps soon. i've been spending time with this boy lately, and his hippie ways are indescribably refreshing. thank you, new friend, for being so understanding, soooo sweet, and so good at listening.

3. MY BED.
the bed of gods. this is where you sleep in heaven. after undergoing a wonderful makeover, new sheets, new comforter, the works; my bed is now the most comfortable. making it impossible for me to get out of bed in the morning but ahhhh. feels so good.

2. NEW PAPER.
i'm a sucker for paper. after spending 15 dollars at the craft supply store, i finally have beautiful paper to write letters on. anyone wanting some snail mail, please contact me immediately. i love paper.

1. TOMORROW.
thank you life, for letting me live another day. i love light, sun, air, and warmth. i love people. i can't wait for tomorrow. mmm. more days. good and bad. i am grateful. i am grateful.

fabuleux destin

mon destin? voyage à la France. pas de questions. pour trouver l'amour. la définition de «romantisme français». je économiser mon argent. ce pays demande à moi. J'apprends la langue, et ne peut pas se concentrer sur autre chose. Je ne suis pas religieux, mais s'il vous plaît, priez pour moi. merci. <3
je viens ici!

snips, snails & puppy dog tails.

thank god for those damn boys. without them, i'd be hanging out with nobody. my friends seem to be...absent. lately. maybe its me. or maybe its everyone else that's crazy. either way, my dear friends don't show their faces around much anymore. why not? please tell me. i'd like you back.

Sagittarius:

The best guide in life is strength - quotes Swami Vivekananda.
Discard everything that weakens you, have nothing to do with it. In accordance with astrological omens, I'm making that your rallying cry. You not only have right to align yourself with only the most potent, life giving sources, you have an urgent need to do so. So be audaciously discerning as you evaluate each person and situation that comes before you. Ask - will this feed my vitality, or will it not?

today...

this is what made my day. tsss.