despair.

Sometimes, the world just doesn't go the way you'd like it to. One slip or one wrong thing said can switch your mood from one end to another quicker than the mind can even register. Sometimes, you get your heart broken. And then, for some time after that, you cry. Your mind feels clouded, dark and dismal. Nothing seems kind or happy. You feel as if you haven't really laughed in a long time. Your heart feels heavy once again, but this time not with love, but with despair. For some time, you feel as if you've got no heart. All feeling has left the building.
And then:
Sometime after that, your feelings start to return. Your heart starts growing back. But sometimes in the process, our hearts can grow back crooked and mangled; which leaves us cold and full of hatred. Sadness for the world and anger against it's being so cruel to us. We feel no compassion, for some time. We hide in the shadows, acting like nothing has ever hurt us. We pretend. We pretend its all okay, but with a certain arrogance that screams that it's most certainly not okay. All the sarcasm, the wasting of time, you keep yourself busy.
But then:
One day (and maybe not yet) you realize that you're sick of being sad. Tired of being sick. For some time, you work on rebuilding the love in your heart. Though there's no one there to give it to, it works its way back into your framework with ease. You find it much easier to be kind than trying so hard to be mean and invisible. You build more bridges and once, you laugh. Once you stop thinking so hard and trying so hard to BE IN love, you focus on just loving. Love comes quicker and easier this way. Relax. Stop trying to rush into everything. Just live your life.

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent
Is he both able, and willing?
...Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God."
-Epicurus

i want to fall hard.

i want to fall deeply, and madly in love.

j. i wonder why you get so sad. i question it all the time. you have everything it seems. beautiful parents, nephews, and siblings. you have good friends, that check on you periodically while you sleep, to make sure you're alright. you have people that love you, the numbers higher than you know. you are the most intelligent and interesting person i've ever met, hands down. please understand, i am here. i wonder, why so many people my own age seem so unhappy with the way things are going. to the point of not even wanting to exist. obliterate themselves. K.O'd. Game over. please talk to me. we can make it through. there is happiness to be had.