battles.

I keep trying;

and trying,

to salvage something, anything, any of the feelings that were felt before.

all that seems to happen lately is criticisms of things I'm not doing right. No happiness.

So cold.

Nothing but fighting. From all aspects; every corner of the relationship; has something wrong with it in your point of view.

And somehow its all my fault. I "don't put in effort".

All I can think; is nostalgic. Thinking back to how happy we were.

And wondering where the wrong turn was made.

And how all this hurt it's causing, maybe it's not even worth fighting for anymore.

I'm exhausted. And sick of being yelled at.

I don't deserve it. I'm tired. I don't know what else I can do.

silly/stupid.

i'm a little anti-social. i get worried meeting new people and i stumble on my words. I worry that i'll say something stupid, and i usually end up doing so. i'm a little silly. probably the only person with a silly haircut that actually has a silly stupid story behind it and a silly stupid meaning. i love receiving mail. even if its not from anyone. i shop online frequently just so i can receive mail. i love messages in bottles and sculpted figurines of mad scientists. creepy/silly. i love spray painting bookshelves wacky colors and owning bulgarian pilot hats. silly/random. i love long keys and bright purple hair. i love strange shoes, even more so when they're only ten dollars. i love old pepsi bottles, even better when they've got wooden figurines inside. even even better, when they're all the way from boston, and have red yarn around the top. i love japanese cartoons like kittens inside hamburgers and toast with silly faces. i love my real-life kitten. sleeping on the bed next to me. i love getting packages addressed specifically to me, containing words of reassurance, and most of the things listed above; a huge unexpected completely fantastic package, to make all problems disappear. i love huge grins on my face while i laugh at how complicated tape is. all the things that make life good: wooden ducks; paper with sparrows; feathers; hand-written; moon charts; open invitations to go where i want to with bunnies; and japanese mustache-man stamps. i think, things can be good with a little help from friends strangers. silly/adventurous. "AN ODD LITTLE PACKAGE FOR MY ODD LITTLE FRIEND"; and maybe we think exactly the same. i think its easier to say the most important things without words. i wear myself on the outside like a picture book to be read, and maybe its kind of silly/stupid but i'm really anti-social.

surrounded.

still wondering what to do; when everything costs money and the things that don't, they still come at a price. i want to get out of this town. i'm itching. i haven't had this feeling in a while. to just run away and forget my name and everything i've ever known. start fresh. i feel like drawing. and writing. and reinventing. doing everything opposite. working just to get by. i feel like there's so much pressure on me right now, and not necessarily for any reason in particular. i want things different. i want adventure. i want freedom and relief. and

i dont know

what to do.

at all.




about anything.

boyfriend/immigration protests/school/money - 50 grand? really? shoot me.

things just feel horribly impossible from all sides.

week days.

My head; its clearing up. Not much yet, but it's definitely a start. I'm very sick of feeling so down lately. Generally, I'm not a sad person. Quite the contrary. I love smiles. I love my smile. My face looks better when I'm smiling. Happy.Healthy.Young. It's like the universe noticed how sad I was, and threw me a lifeline. Free Beirut in parks. Green shirts with iron-on patches. Cigarette smoke; and Nicole. Austin. Reminding me of junior high. Reminding me why I loved these people in the first place. Funny; nonsensical. Austin's loud "boop!" whenever he'd see people crossing the street, just to freak them out. And Nicole being addicted to my crossword puzzles after she'd called me a nerd for doing them. Music floating in the air like a lover's scent. Trumpets ablaze. Sitting on Austin's back, snapping film photographs. Zooooom. Click! Dancing. Free sandwiches. Car rides. Calico cats. Coffee with Kylee early in the morning. Blueberry muffins. Old stores and new things. Familiar smells and ice cold water. Giggles piercing silence. Music humming far away, and not being alone. Missing Shirley. Loving Kylee. Having someone understand; shake me and tell me like it is. Spray painting bookshelves. Chocolate covered biscotti and tea. Conversation with someone who cares. A clean bathroom. A messy bedroom. No facebook. Cramps. Then sweet relief. Japanese paintings;;;lamplight. My mother showing up with a treat for me; for no reason. She's completely lovely! Topped off my night completely; made my day 1000 times better instantly. It's refreshing. To have someone who doesn't ditch out at the last moment; who answers my texts and calls, and says to my face "i love hanging out with you, you're so fun!" Lately, I try; and I receive no response. From anyone. Rejected. By so many, it adds up and its silly that it matters but maybe I need someone? In that moment. And no one answers. So thank you, universe; for realizing, I needed reassurance. That people still exist and maybe I'm not completely alone surrounded by dozens. That I can clear my head and figure out what it is that I want. What I need right now. I'm not sure what that is, but it's easier to wonder with a clearer head.
_j.

weep.

i like it soft,
i like it wet,
i like my makeup
in a mess.

so i cry hard

let it fall.

and i wont stop until my tears are all shed.


....so i weep.

mental blockage.

why is it that i truly deeply want to be happy;

but something feels all wrong?

what to do? anyone?....hello?

completely and utterly............lost.

i'm not sure what to think about anything. anything at all. its like i go through these cycles of needing people, and then hating myself for being needy and i want to cut off all contact just to prove to myself i dont need anyone but me. but then one part of me is horribly afraid of loneliness. i want to change majors but i feel like its one of those things that if i say it aloud too many times somehow it wont come true. and maybe the situation with the one you completely adore is completely less than perfect and maybe you wish it just didnt even exist just to take the stress off. maybe i just wish things would go my way for a second. actually have the deck shuffled to turn up in my favor. i feel a little out of luck lately. in basically all of my situations. i'm exhausted. whats a girl to do?

i suppose....something impulsive; and illegal...

but you didnt hear it from me.

Black Socks

A healthy foot has so much potential to bear pain, that it’s scary to be aware of a complete absence of pain, when it is healthy. This goes for all body parts, internal and external. Lurking in the lossy midtones of paranoid conciousness is that “stages of man” poster from the elementary school’s biology room that depicts a conga line of one homosapien painted incrementally along his lifeline. Politely, the right crop of the poster comes before the corpse and decay stages, but the imagination extends it over Einstein’s zany mugshot to places where logic and science clash with the utter inability to imagine the world without oneself. A one-camera movie with the one camera removed is simply no longer a movie. Ask the audience in the darkened theatre, and they will tell you, there is no movie. Will they be angry? Will they yell “start the movie! We don’t have all day!”? This crowd in our heads, will they just leave? Where will they go? Don’t they now have all day? Stay! I’m sure we’ll get this camera fixed! The movie will start again shortly! Won’t it? Hello?

Dear Jordan,

Congratulations on achieving a high GPA for Spring 2010 semester! We want you to know that we recognize the time and effort you gave to achieve this GPA. Good job and keep up the GREAT work!

---

That's right!

:)