Christmas ruiner.

It's funny how material goods, really don't make you happy. Things you were so excited to receive, now mean nothing compared to the things you wish you could have. Way to end the year with a bang. I've always said I've disliked the holidays because everyone's family issues seem to rear their ugly heads and this year could'nt have been the better example. I woke up in a fine mood. I heard all my family downstairs and I was glad that nothing too terrible had happened in the family this year. Things seemed okay. Until my brother-in-law wouldn't bring my sister over to see us today. He showed no signs of bringing her at anytime. "Eat without us"....could've been better said "We'll visit after we've seen my family. A couple hours maybe?" I got my heart broken. Misunderstandings. So many tears. Family differences. Why can't we all just talk about it rationally instead of blowing up in each other's faces and then crying alone in seperate rooms? I have no desire to rip open presents. No desire to learn whats inside. No presents for me today. Gifts or not, I'd still feel the ache.

the birthday party.

I'm really good at looking really squinty when I'm happy. You kids mean the world to me. Best friends.

birthday wishes granted.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was honestly the best one I've had in the last few years, anyway. I woke up at 11:11, so I knew that was a good sign. Right when I woke up, Randi sent a text to me to tell me she loved me. It's like our brains are connected through radio waves or something. I went downstairs and my mom was making me breakfast, she's so wonderful! Then she took me to the mall to get some new eyeglasses since mine are so sad and broken, and then we did some last minute Christmas shopping. Mr. Jordan and dear Randi met up with me there and we headed up to Salt Lake to meet up with Tara and Ethan. Then all of us headed over to temple square to see the beautiful lights. We froze our butts off but it was so beautiful! And I got some amazing pictures of everybody. And then we finished the night off by going to Squatters for dinner. It was so much fun! I thank every one of you for caring about me enough to freeze your butt off in the snow to be with me on my birthday. I can assure you, I care for each of you on the deepest level. I love you guys! And now...a favorite photo from last night.

Freudian slip.

For those of you not familiar with the Freudian slip, it's simply when someone is talking and they say something but meant to say something else. For instance if you're speaking about your birthday last year and about how your mother made you a cake you didn't like and you say "i hate my mother--i mean i hate the cake". What Freud says about this though, is that the slip isn't just an accident but actually, more truthful. Freud says every time we slip, it reveals an unconscious desire. So you saying you hate your mother, may be slightly true. You don't have to hate your mother so much that you want her dead, but the fact that she made you a cake you didnt like may spark an unconscious "screw you".
Where this leads me to: I was up in salt lake trying to find somewhere to eat. Unluckily for me, the Twilight Concert series was in town and there were hoards of zoobies all over downtown SLC. Greg, wearing his Mao Zedong t-shirt and I..probably wearing all black. We took a step outside of the restaurant and a boy went walking by with a Che Guevara t-shirt. Greg just said "ooooh Che Guevara!" and the kid answered back "yeah why do you have a Mao shirt on?" to which Greg responded with the usual duh, he's one of the greatest leaders of all time. The boy said "I hate Che-- I mean Mao". To all familiar with the Freudian slip, this is hilarious. When the boy realized he had touched on the Real, he yelled back as he walked off "Mao killed people!".........and Che did what....? Haha! This my friends is what we refer to as a "hipster". Someone who wears the Che shirt and has no idea who the hell Che was or what he did.
VIVA LA REVOLUCION!

another favorite.

I've been absolutely loving doing photography. It's been so different to be on the other side of the lens and actually so much more fun for me (mostly because I get to wear sweats!) I feel like I've learned so much and I can't wait to do more. Every good shot I get is like a work of art and I get so excited! So here's another favorite from last night's shoot. (You can click on it to see it bigger)

weak.

My ideal body (for myself, not the opposite sex) would be something more along the lines of what Fran Drescher sports. I bring this up because I'm sick of everyone (mainly most of my friends) trying to "lose weight". I'm all for losing weight if it helps you feel better about yourself, and if you do it for yourself. But I feel alot of them only do it to either attract the opposite sex, to think they'll be more photogenic, or because they think it's the way they're suppose to look, according to mass media and magazines, etc. I'm sick of seeing bones. I love collar bones. But I hate seeing knobby knees and elbows and sallow cheeks. It's not healthy, nore is it beautiful. I also hate the passive, submissive type. Trying to appear dainty and fragile and weak has never been more fashionable. Any man (if he considers himself one) I've ever talked to says he'd prefer a woman, not a woman in a twelve-year-old-girl's body. A body that includes an ass. And also a brain. I look up to women who actually know what they believe in and are outspoken and fabulous. Women that are strong inside and out. Here is to us, the women that actually stand for something great enough to die for. Who care more about living the best life and making that possible for others, instead of worrying of the latest trend and perfume. For being able to carry on a conversation about politics, math, and social sciences instead of cosmetics and the latest gossip. Here is to us, the few women that love to be beautiful for what we are, not what makeup and clothing we wear. For the women that aren't afraid to eat, who's ribcages are found but only surrounded by lovely hips (not hip bones). Here's to us, women making a difference, not blending into the status quo. Daring to be different, not what's in season. For not being afraid to stand up, to be smart and beautiful. Here is to us.

Shoot.

So I had another photo shoot yesterday! I definitely decided I love being behind the camera more than in front of it. No more wrong angles. I did the shoot with my friend Jesse (who's definitely got no wrong angles) and I must say I'm really pleased with the way they turned out. But alas, I'm super tired, so I'll leave with this, my (personal) favorite from the shoot. I hope you enjoy it!

(Click to see full-size)

(one of my) favorite artist(s)

he is everything i aspire to be. so wonderful and quirky. one day.

nervous talk.

Dawn ebbs forward
my bones creek
mascara flocks underneath my eyes
knots in my hair

my nail polish is chipped
i lie in my bed
in underwear and a tanktop
amber light seeps into

the dark corners of the sky.
I am not empty
laying alone
with someone on my mind

once more
my framework creeks
i sigh
wake up baby,
its time to grow up.

messed up

Okay, am I the only one who thinks this is totally screwed up?

http://www.portraitprofessional.com/gallery/?p=3

The before-and-afters are frightening. Not because the of the "before"s, either. The software makes eyes and lips bigger and zits and moles and uneven skin completely disappear. It can make foreheads shrink and stray hairs vanish. Now, at the risk of sounding like a Dove add, I'd like to point out that those before and afters are to advertise the actual software, not show the evils of it. The software even claims that it "has been trained with hundred of examples of human beauty" to edit the photographs. Which makes it even more messed up. Girls drown themselves in fashion magazines and in photos of people that truly don't exist. Girls try to be this when it's obviously impossible. Why is the vision of beauty always more impossible to accomplish? People need to open their eyes. Beauty is in the flaws; in every wrinkle and freckle. It's what makes us unique. I'm sick of this idea of beauty no one can live up to.

For those of you who like movies..

Tomorrow evening, the RSU and UVU are hosting a movie night. Which movie, you ask? Well,



Sergei Eisenstein's October: 10 Days That Shook The World!
Movie shows at 7 pm in the UVU library room 215. I love movies and movie nights. Movie parties with friends are always so fun for me!

awesome day

Today is going to be lovely, i can just feel it. It's a warm sunny december day! When does that ever happen? I've got art class later today (finally going to try my hardest to finish that geisha!) and then probably come home and drown myself in things that i love. that is, pie, watchmen, that 70's show and my sweet kitty. maybe i'll invite a friend over, who knows? tomorrow I've got a shoot with a guy named jeff. it's the same guy that tara did a shoot with a couple weeks ago. I hope its fun. we went to the BYU theater department and borrowed some clothes from their costume closet so hopefully i don't look too terrible and i can make it work! Either way i think it will be fun. I was just thinking about how fun this semester off has been for me. Going to idaho, toronto and colorado and clearing my head. Trying out new things, becoming a photographer! Going to art museums, dance productions and interesting cafe's. Starting art class and making new friends, becoming revolutionary, haha. Learning more life lessons than book lessons. Some of it has been hard, some of it I wish i hadn't done, but all in all they were things that made me see the world as a bigger place and I've gotten to know what I want, and even moreso what I DON'T want from life and I know more what kind of person I want to become. And I will leave with this, a photograph of tara that I took!

Also, I did her hair, makeup, and she's wearing the earrings I made! Ahh, she's so lovely :)

getting brighter

maybe sometimes, its better to be the bigger person. and when i said sometimes, i mean all the time. you think i would've learned by now that doing things on impulse number one: aren't like me and two: usually cause more trouble than good. when i do things on impulse, i feel not like myself, because what i've done is so irrational and i hardly ever am. i love being rational, its what makes me human. not an animal. so here's to becoming a better person. i love being able to look at myself and say "gee, i really love who i am. i rock." no more doing dumb things. no more "learning experiences" - learn from the mistakes of others, not your own. be nicer and more optimistic. keep an open mind and open heart. you know, all that silly cliche crud. I wanna feel light and lovely. clear headed. no more dark clouds hanging overhead. wouldn't you agree?

You Could Be The Next Charlotte Russe Design Star Sponsored by Charlotte Russe

Ahhh could you be a dear and click on that there "vote" button (yes yes, the big green one)? I normally don't like charlotte russe, but you have to admit, one of my drawings on a t-shirt? that'd be badass times a million.

Today has been an adventure. The picture you see to the right is a picture I'm painting for Nicole for her birthday. She said if i got her anything, it should be a picture of a train. She spoke, so it shall be. It's not finished yet, I keep chickening out to finish because I'm not a painter so I feel like I'm going to ruin it. I woke up early to go pick up Axel and we headed over to the arts store to pick up some nupastels and some news print. Then we headed over to Zupas to have some lunch. He said in France, they don't have salads like those, so he said he is excited to go home and make them for his family to try something new. He picked up his roll, tore a piece off and ate it, then said "its almost bread!" and kept calling the restaurant "fast food". It's funny how things are so different for him. We headed back to the studio and he sat me down and had me listen to the soundtrack from Snatch as he drew me. I'm excited for him to post a photo of it (I'll post it here as well) so i can see the finished product. It will be nothing fancy, just for practice. Now I'm home and waiting for some time to pass. I'm finally going out on the town with Gregory tonight/tomorrow after a very busy past few weeks for him. I miss him! I'm excited to spend some time with him again. It's really been too long.
Anyone looking for a good movie, Modern Times. My new favorite. I love Charlie.

SO HUNGRY.

And there's no food in the house. oh, how I can't wait for thanksgiving. I'm going to stuff my face full. Also, whats with NOBODY caring about any actual problems? fashion, beauty, wallpaper, music, i feel like no one cares about anything meaningful. AWESOME. I am actually thankful for....my lovely family. My lovely boyfriend that understands my weird moods and puts up with me. I'm also thankful I'm able to have intelligent conversations with him and have him appreciate a good political joke. I'm thankful for all the lovely friends I've made from around the world this year. I look forward to seeing them later on in life when I actually get to go to places like france, italy and japan. I am thankful for everything I have learned this year. I think I've learned more this year than the last few years combined for sure. I am thankful for my cat, for she honestly understands me. I'm thankful that my parents and I can talk more, and better to each other. Better than last year around this time. I'm thankful for my car, I don't have a car payment! I'm thankful for Mary, for taking me under her wing and teaching me her artistic skill and for being such a beautiful woman and friend. Her resplendency is unfathomable. I am thankful for real friends. Which, I've got about two, whom I love so much. Miss randi and tarabella. You two are here when I need you. You know I've got your backs forever, right? Anyway, thanks for reading my rant. Happy up-coming Turkey day Americanos!

and again..

I can tell already this is going to be a drawing I hold near and dear to myself. I've spent about 15 hours on it so far and it doesnt even have a background yet! no detail has gone un-perfected and it really does look so much better in person.
Photographs do it no justice. I've done the whole thing so far with about 50 different colors of Prismacolor pencils and I'm going to finish the background with some pastels and dots of white paint to add snow. I absolutely can't wait for it to be finished!

Today's masterpiece.

Made my little refrigerator man in paint. On a whim, he's so cold, but still very friendly!

Just realizing..

I don't have any lifelong friends. Friends I've been friends with since before I can remember. Sasha and I had been friends since we were two. For some reason I always felt like I was putting in more effort to be her friend than I received in return. she always seemed like she'd rather hang out with someone cooler. Destiny and I had been friends since the fourth grade (if you count hating each other on and off haha!) and lately she wont keep plans with me when not too long ago we were texting each other non-stop about how much it sucked that summer was over and we had to go to different schools. What we were up to every second of every day. Best friends for life.
For some reason, it makes me incredibly sad that I can't say that to anyone..

New beginnings.

These are the things that matter most.
Welcome to my world of tiny secrets.