dreamy.

i feel incredibly inspired lately. to make and create things!
i want photoshoots!
i want clothing!
i want makeup, and hair!
i want to capture it. amazing works of art. all mine. i want books and friends and cups of tea.
please play with me?
my darling dear.
clear headed.
warm months.

thank you, for the relaxation.

remembering when.

ironically called "remembering when";
thats exactly what i was doing all night,
at the art ball.
this time,
i went solo.
well, third-wheeled.
which, might have been worse?

i remembered when we danced out on the patio,
in the chilly air.

they danced; i watched.

i remembered when we held hands, and surrounded by art, you couldnt take your eyes off of me.

they held hands; i watched.

i remembered when we had conversations all evening; during dinner, and during the ball.

they talked; i listened.

i remember walking through the sculpture garden, and sitting in the photo room talking about glory paintings.

they and me, we took a photo. them two, and me.

now i sit, remembering the earrings you got me in india; i wore them tonight.
while i sat alone; and looked at someone else's old photographs.
i wonder why, its so hard for me to be this one person,
when it used to be all i knew.
i wonder why, everyone is coupled up, and i appear to be the only one alone.
i feel like i'm intruding.
i wonder how, anything could really be wrong;
i'm alive; above ground and vertical.
but there's more;

goodness, i miss you. it grows more and more each day.

<3 i do love you.

only you.

my hands clenched around my steering wheel.
white-knuckled.
for the entire hour drive.
sitting up on the edge of my seat.
too frantic even for tears.
it was the longest hour of my life. it felt like days, and days.
thoughts racing. thoughts too gruesome; shaken out of my skull.
"no no, don't think like that. its impossible."
still-faced.
silent.
speeding.
wishing wishing wishing.
black skies and black roads.
three a.m.
exhausted; adrenaline pumping through my veins.
running inside your house. the door was unlocked.
i found you; a giant bottle of whiskey in your hands and tears streaming down your face.
"i'm tired," you said. "i love you, but i'm tired. exhausted."
you said you wanted to die.
there is no actual reason for valuing life over death, you say.
and i sit and wonder, why didn't your father listen to me when i told him you were in this state?
i took your whiskey; and i emptied it down the drain, and threw away the bottle.
and lied to you about it.
saying i dont know where it went.
you were drunk enough to think you'd misplaced it.
i wanted to teach you the value of life.
dr. manhattan style.
i wanted to show you that in life, millions upon millions of cells compete,
and humans; they couple up
and thousands of years later, your mother falls in love with a man she has every reason to hate,
and upon this contradiction of unfathomable odds,
it's you that ends up, distilled in so specific a form;
only you.
its like turning air into gold.
a miracle.
why wont you just understand?
you're a miracle. your very existence.
please, please, try for me.
"miracles by their definition are meaningless."
but you've proved that wrong by sitting in my sight, existing; in the first place.
please,
please,
no need to make things so complicated.
i just wish you'd listen.

bang bang.

i guess i'm not the only one who's had an off last few days. just off. weird. something doesn't feel right. it's not just me.

bad luck.

i remember you; and me. happy-go-lucky. not even expecting a thing.
art ball.
that was honestly, ....honestly, the best night of my life. best evening. best date. perhaps the night i fell for you. hard.
you showing up at my doorstep in a lavender-pin-striped suit. saying i looked beautiful.
we both knew i was on my period.
feeling like a fat cow. maybe hot flashes. insecurity. feeling ugly.
but you, you said i was the most beautiful woman you've ever seen; that night.
in a borrowed dress from the gap, and a feather in my hair.
eating at the trolley explaining that eating salads is more awkward than it should be when the lettuce is cut into large pieces. please don't look at me while i shove rabbit food in my face.
but we laugh. those awkward i-hardly-know-you-but-i-like-you laughs.
you took my hand and danced with me to cha-cha music in the background;
explained foreign art characteristics;
held my hand;
stole my heart;
drove me downtown to grab a root-beer float and let me wear your jacket in the chill of still-april air;
drove me home all the while telling me i'm beautiful;
took a walk with me around my block, kissing me softly; still telling me i'm beautiful.
me blushing. insanely blushing.
this nerdy incredible beautiful funny boy with hair longer than mine; that always smells like coconut.

and here i sit. alone again. the art ball in two days. no way it will compare. my heart aches. i don't want to go alone; not without you. i'm alive again with salty eyes just wishing for a moment we could be in love again. how silly i am. living in a dream. silly silly me. a silly impossible dream.
i miss you.

sweet, sweet sorrow.

Someone recently asked me, "which songs make you cry?"
To which I responded, "hmm?"
Only to have him show me a Blondie song with a beautiful bass line. His eyes teared up.
it was beautiful.
I loved seeing him that way. This way I've never seen him.
Sad emotions that have something wonderful to say.
So then I thought, and I remembered.
Nights driving in my car, my heart broken, a mixed cd in the stereo and my eyes flooded with salty tears; the music washing over me and my heart feeling like it could burst.
Fists trembling, cheeks pink and sticky.
all alone, all alone, all along.
again, breathing for one.
silly plans broken; loss of appetite.
take it in.
feeling emotions so strong, it only proves you are human.
to hate hate hate, and love the sadness. poetic.
feel it in your veins, your finger tips, your ribcage.
this, this is what it feels like to be alive.
a simple compromise. to feel so saddened. but to be alive.

you are alive.
breathing. blood vessels in-tact. to hear such sweet music with such a broken heart, no wonder the tears come so easily. this lovely awful paradox.
shaking, crying, feeling so small, in the same place; that same car, where nights were spent, just the two of you. you'd lean the front seats back and relax on his chest and try to get comfortable in an awkward space. at 3 am. in a convenience-store parking lot. listening to the weepies and singing quietly along dedicating every word to him.
and feeling like you could cry then, too.
in the passenger's seat, he's just a ghost now.
so happy then, and not even knowing what lie ahead; all this sorrow.
heartache.
silly, silly, silly.
complete opposite emotions. you think back, you could never feel so alive as you did then.
well,
this is it.
just now. the music; shaking; dark blue skies and black surroundings.
you are alive again.
just this time by yourself.

here are some songs, please enjoy. if you've got some time, kick back, eh?
maybe you wont understand. or maybe you will completely.
perhaps more than one tear dropped while writing and compiling this.
now you know.

(normally not a huge fan of Say Anything, this song is wonderful. The song speaks of a couple during World War II, hiding from Nazi's. He says even if they get caught he'll still think of her every day and if he gets killed, her love will fill him as warm as the bullets. She'll be his last thought).




<3

girlmonsterrr.

sometimes.

sometimes all you need are a few simple beautiful pictures to make your day a whole lot better...




using a camera I was completely unfamiliar with, i think i coped pretty well. i'm trying to save up money for my own lovely baby camera. i do think i love this hobby quite a bit.

I think the thing that bugs me the most about other people is getting mixed signals. Like when you see a friend you haven't seen in a while at a restaurant and they say "hey...?" like they've never met you before. Or like when someone says "I love you" but when they see you in person it's like you don't exist. I don't understand. That's bothersome for me.

mixed signals;

but if you bring it up,

it's not them, its you.

like somehow they make you believe its all in your head. what to do, what to do? it's a silly thing, breathing for another. before that, being alone was fine. but all of a sudden after you know, after you've tasted it, whats its like, you can't go back. the last thing in the world you want is going back to the way it was before. its silly.

get lost.

This person. She keeps my head up. She reminds me there's things to look forward to. That we can go out and take photographs that are so honest. Sans photoshop. Sans filters and curves and artificial light. She reminds me we are alive. And we love it. I love lenses and shutters and winding film. Ah! film! so genuine. I love friends. Good company. Keeping my brain looking forward to things. Dear randistarandi, you are, quite easily, my favorite human being. And you others, that have also been helping me along the way; dear shirley, for spending nights with me and making sure i'm not alone, dear macy, for reminding me that acceptance is easy and that looking past things that've already happened, they don't matter so much, and for listening to my craziness and being okay with it. Dear tara, for just making me laugh when i need it most; as well as Jasmine, Tania, Jordan, and all the rest of my lovely friends that've been keeping an eye on me. Thank you. Thank you. I am eternally grateful. And I appreciate your willingness to help and understanding. Mmm. I love you. You are loved.

tenatively.

Schedule, roughly from Monday morning until Wednesday evening:

1. Got my dream cell phone, again.
2. Shot two rolls of film of my very best friend.
3. Saw my other two best friends at a lovely orchestra concert.
4. Got film developed.
5. Went to lunch with the most amazing person on the planet.
6. Made love.
7. Went to dinner with the most amazing person on the planet.
8. Received a new baby nephew, one Damian James.
9. Got a horrible phone call, got my heart trampled on.
10. Picked up film prints.
11. Delivered film negatives
12. Cried and cried.
13. Saw shirley.
14. Cried more.
15. Saw randi, ate chunky monkey ben&jerry's together
16. Looked over prints
17. Held back tears.
18. Worried worried worried. About your well-being.
19. Fell asleep only out of exhaustion.
20. Woke up. wondered where you were.
21. Wondered why the one person I talked to, I couldn't talk to anymore.
22. Slept more.
23. Cried more.
24. Didn't leave my bed all day.
25. Eyes became exhausted from tears.
26. Wondering why it all happened so fast and without warning.
27. Thinking about how its funny that when I've got not much to live for at the moment, I consider getting a job.

What've I been reduced to? I feel ashamed, so small. Fragile. Frailty and weakness. I've no idea where to go from here. Sad songs and no thoughts. Nothing but you. I want no one, but you.

It's funny how things can change so quickly. What crazy days!

....

.....and just like that
we took our last breaths
heaving sighs and stuttering inhales interrupted by tears
even though "we loved with a love that was more than love"
who says how long love can last?
horridly apparent, nevermore.
alone, alone. awfully so.
quite possibly the worst way.
when trust is all we were riding on, the chord was snipped into nothing.
dropped into the farthest outer limits of space
drifting on my unknowings.
how did we get here?
the conscientious decision to pull the rug out from underneath my feet.
to put an end to the happiness.
leaving me in a constant state of wonder, and delusions.
a dream within a dream, i cease to exist, or forget how to.

right-o.

went up to salt lake for a spot of tea with the lovely boy today. he got english breakfast tea and i got a mocha coffee (my usual) as well as brunch, and oh, it was delicious! as well as beautiful. I've never seen such a beautiful place in my life. ah, so lovely.

lovely company. lovely food. lovely music. lovely day. mmm, yes, <3.

I'm so excited to get randi's photos back tomorrow. I'll post at least one when I get them back and scanned. abandonded houses and striped walls. hehe.