Day three.

My first kiss. Hrmm. Well. It was summer. I was 13. My very first boyfriend, Toma. Oh gee. a japanese boy, very musical, and very sweet. just him and i, we were at my house, sitting on my couch. he told me a story, leaned over, and kissed me. just once. i was very nervous, and since i was so young, sort of thought i had cooties. hehe. but i survived.

Dear Randi,

words cannot describe how much you mean to me. the music to my ears, the shoes around my feet, the key around my neck; constantly reminding me of you. more than a best friend. a real friend. you keep my feet on the ground, but my hopes high (we've been over this). i honestly don't know what i would do without you. darling beautiful friend, real friends, forever.

Dear wonderful Shirley,,

you really are so wonderful! such a lovely friend. you truly are one of the most beautiful people i know. i always appreciate your honesty and your way of making every bad thing that happens to me into a joke you can laugh at to my face. haha. you make things better. you remind me there is more to life than just one or two things. you remind me there are good mormons out there that do not judge (hehe). i cant wait to spend time with you! i am here. <3

day one; favorite quotes.

"We loved with a love that was more than love." - e. a. poe

"To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die." - the smiths

"Because I'm in love with her!" - scott pilgrim, by brian lee o'malley

"Quand il me prend dans ses bras, il me parle tout bas, je vois la vie en rose." - edith piaf

"If we sleep together would you be my friend forever?" - mirah

"Death is with you all the time; you get deeper in it as you move towards it, but it's not unfamiliar to you. It's always been there, so what becomes unfamiliar to you when you pass away from the moment is really life." - bell hooks

Ten days.

I'm taking this from Shirley, because I really do love the idea. Reminders. Things I love. Ten days. Look out!

Day One: Your favorite quotes.

Day Two: A letter to your best friend.

Day Three: Describe your first kiss, where you were, who saw and how you felt when it happened.

Day Four: Tell the story of your favorite memory.

Day Five: Three things that you’ve done in your life that you regret doing / not doing.

Day Six: Three things that you wish you could do right now.

Day Seven: Your favorite TV show, movie, song and book.

Day Eight: Write a letter to someone that you’ve drifted away from and now miss.

Day Nine: Five items you’d grab in a fire.

Day Ten: The hardest thing you’ve ever had to do.

despair.

Sometimes, the world just doesn't go the way you'd like it to. One slip or one wrong thing said can switch your mood from one end to another quicker than the mind can even register. Sometimes, you get your heart broken. And then, for some time after that, you cry. Your mind feels clouded, dark and dismal. Nothing seems kind or happy. You feel as if you haven't really laughed in a long time. Your heart feels heavy once again, but this time not with love, but with despair. For some time, you feel as if you've got no heart. All feeling has left the building.
And then:
Sometime after that, your feelings start to return. Your heart starts growing back. But sometimes in the process, our hearts can grow back crooked and mangled; which leaves us cold and full of hatred. Sadness for the world and anger against it's being so cruel to us. We feel no compassion, for some time. We hide in the shadows, acting like nothing has ever hurt us. We pretend. We pretend its all okay, but with a certain arrogance that screams that it's most certainly not okay. All the sarcasm, the wasting of time, you keep yourself busy.
But then:
One day (and maybe not yet) you realize that you're sick of being sad. Tired of being sick. For some time, you work on rebuilding the love in your heart. Though there's no one there to give it to, it works its way back into your framework with ease. You find it much easier to be kind than trying so hard to be mean and invisible. You build more bridges and once, you laugh. Once you stop thinking so hard and trying so hard to BE IN love, you focus on just loving. Love comes quicker and easier this way. Relax. Stop trying to rush into everything. Just live your life.

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent
Is he both able, and willing?
...Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God."
-Epicurus

i want to fall hard.

i want to fall deeply, and madly in love.

j. i wonder why you get so sad. i question it all the time. you have everything it seems. beautiful parents, nephews, and siblings. you have good friends, that check on you periodically while you sleep, to make sure you're alright. you have people that love you, the numbers higher than you know. you are the most intelligent and interesting person i've ever met, hands down. please understand, i am here. i wonder, why so many people my own age seem so unhappy with the way things are going. to the point of not even wanting to exist. obliterate themselves. K.O'd. Game over. please talk to me. we can make it through. there is happiness to be had.

brag braggy brag.

oooooookay so i feel lame even saying this but also i'm so excited! i went over to my friend ethan's house last night to do a little test shoot just because i haven't done a shoot in quite some time. the photos turned out so fun! he put one of them on his flickr account, and less than 24 hours later, it had more than 700 views and 64 favorites, and made it to the front page!



:)

one what this week?

bon soir! so since it's sunday, i figured i would follow in shirley's footsteps and make a ten-things-i'm-grateful-for-this-week blog.

10. SHIRLEY.
simple enough, it was her idea and she's such a lovely friend. you are mi italiano amore (i dont even know if thats correct?) but i love you. you life-inspire-er. you are my level-headed keep-me-on-track friend. you keep my feet on the ground and me laughing all day. ah! you're so great!


9. HANS.
'nuff said, hans is awesome. he's saved my life on more than one occasion and can always make me feel better about my situation by making fun of it. he talks to me on teh webcamz and shows me his funny hipster sleeveless shirts.



8. MY KITTY.
at this moment, she rests her face on my forearm and sleeps in my lap. darling darling baby, i love you more than most people. you get things, you know? understand when i'm sad, and love to play and cuddle when i'm happy. lovely little thing, you are the best thing in my life hands down.


7. MY MOM.
i'm not one of those kids who's in a hurry to move out so quickly. i love my parents, and they're cool with pretty much anything i want to do. my mother made me noodles with alfredo last night just because i mentioned i was craving italian, and took me to olive garden tonight, for no reason at all. these gestures mean more to me than you know, mommy, and i love you with all my heart. the most amazing woman i've ever met, and i'm so proud to be yours. love love love.


6. RANDI.
always always randi on the list. for being there for me in moments of crisis and happiness. willing to drop everything for me. ditch the boys and be with me. play dungeons and dragons with me and then talk trendy fashion the next. sea creature. i love you. thank you. for always being there.


5. MARION COTILLARD.
love her movies, love her face, love her acting. ahhh. favorite actress hands down. thank you for helping me escape the real world for a few hours at a time. enthralling performances. merci mon ami.


4. SHANE BOY.
no photo for this one (sad face) but...perhaps soon. i've been spending time with this boy lately, and his hippie ways are indescribably refreshing. thank you, new friend, for being so understanding, soooo sweet, and so good at listening.

3. MY BED.
the bed of gods. this is where you sleep in heaven. after undergoing a wonderful makeover, new sheets, new comforter, the works; my bed is now the most comfortable. making it impossible for me to get out of bed in the morning but ahhhh. feels so good.

2. NEW PAPER.
i'm a sucker for paper. after spending 15 dollars at the craft supply store, i finally have beautiful paper to write letters on. anyone wanting some snail mail, please contact me immediately. i love paper.

1. TOMORROW.
thank you life, for letting me live another day. i love light, sun, air, and warmth. i love people. i can't wait for tomorrow. mmm. more days. good and bad. i am grateful. i am grateful.

fabuleux destin

mon destin? voyage à la France. pas de questions. pour trouver l'amour. la définition de «romantisme français». je économiser mon argent. ce pays demande à moi. J'apprends la langue, et ne peut pas se concentrer sur autre chose. Je ne suis pas religieux, mais s'il vous plaît, priez pour moi. merci. <3
je viens ici!

snips, snails & puppy dog tails.

thank god for those damn boys. without them, i'd be hanging out with nobody. my friends seem to be...absent. lately. maybe its me. or maybe its everyone else that's crazy. either way, my dear friends don't show their faces around much anymore. why not? please tell me. i'd like you back.

Sagittarius:

The best guide in life is strength - quotes Swami Vivekananda.
Discard everything that weakens you, have nothing to do with it. In accordance with astrological omens, I'm making that your rallying cry. You not only have right to align yourself with only the most potent, life giving sources, you have an urgent need to do so. So be audaciously discerning as you evaluate each person and situation that comes before you. Ask - will this feed my vitality, or will it not?

today...

this is what made my day. tsss.

life lately:

• finally got new sheets for my bed. no more animal habitat. coral blankets. a light reddish hue to warm things up a bit.
• new polka-dot undies and a new ring, just because :)
• one night with a very sweet boy
• one afternoon coffee with a very wonderful sister and a very wonderful niko
• antique flea market goodies up the ying yang. $20 goes far; makes for a very happy jordan
• a pin-tuck pillow
• kisses on cheeks
• photobooths
• dungeons and dragons on friday nights
• saving money
• learning french
• sketches
• gypsy shoes and polka dot skirts from D.I.
• fall weather; new music; new people; friends become sisters.
• so many hugs
• working; so a coworker can be with his family
• strawberry smoothies and demitri martin jokes.

just living has it's advantages sometimes :)

feeling a little blue.

It's done. Hair is cut and very bluish greenish. Letting go feels good.

all it takes

is one good friend. to boost your day from average into amazing. woke up late. went to work. randi showed up. hey lets go see scott pilgrim for the fourth time. oooookay!
laughing ensued.
sat in a photobooth for just over a half hour, mooning cameras and kissing shoes. realizing that maybe i need a haircut. talking in depth and realizing we have all the time in the world.
dear ms. randi nicole, i love you.

last night

i had a dream that someone stole my 1940 remington.
i was so broken up about it i spent the rest of the dream searching for it on sandy beaches.
and i was so incredibly happy when i woke up to find it on the table next to me.

good things; therapy.

let's consider
a change of scenery
its getting boring
by the sea.

pictures.

i finished my kitty painting! i absolutely love it. the man who did the original, he said he wanted to capture not the animal itself, but the soul of the animal. cats are so graceful and feminine. calm and sweet. i love this picture so much, and i cant wait to frame it and hang it next to my bed.

some flowers i found in arcada. i fell in love.

leaves in my coffee, for the ride home.

i would make the drive again, just to eat at this cafe. <3 mm.

runaways? organic mint teas from the farmers market and herb omlettes with hashbrowns.
i understand why people drift here. no wal-marts. no mcdonalds. things that actually matter.
and a kitty painting to hang on my wall.

fool me once, shame on you;
fool me twice, shame on me.

you know whats awesome? when you try your hardest, cry your eyes out, and get your heart trampled on, all in front of your ex's entire family and strangers in a hospital lobby.
you know whats even better? when that's not enough, he posts the entire ordeal as his facebook status so everyone knows how your heart got broken and how you were publicly humiliated.
yup. thats the life.
what happened to the amazing, considerate, sensitive boy i dated? he, apparently is not around anymore.

despicable.

small things keep happening alongside the big things, just to keep me in check. terrible, sad, lonely morning. me, alone. painting a lonely sleepy kitty on some canvas. reds/yellows/blues. ohhhhh the blues. pillows. pinks. eyes shut. calming.

therapy.

still feeling sad, lonely, on an island. dear grandmother takes me to lunch.

she talks about family. she asks questions. takes me to my first ever 3D movie. a sweet

little movie. despicable me. and afterwards, i want to adopt children, and become a little sinister.

i want to steal the moon.

lightening storm.

i want things to be okay. truly. making it happen, seems a little impossible at the moment, but i know it'll happen.

dreamer of dreams.

the past two nights i've had the strangest dreams and when i wake up, i remember every detail. the night before last, i dreamed i was in a school. a dark and dreary school that appeared to be underground. a very large school, like a maze. I was a member of two clubs at school, a music club as well as a political one. where my dream started, i was in the music club when all of a sudden, bullets started flying through the walls, like an army was outside. we all ducked under desks and on the floor until the shots stopped flying. terrified and confused, we went into the next room to see who had done it. it was the political club. they don't like music. maybe they dont like me. they want me to join them. but i also have friends in music club. the music club tries to resolve the problem peacefully. the political group results to violence to get their point across. it works. they win. after this, my dream cuts to a different scene, like a movie, where things are peaceful between the two groups and everyone is friends.
then, last night, i dreamed my friend shirley and i were going to see a show. (i think a comedy/play?). the entire dream we were driving around in my dads truck for some reason, through very small cobblestone streets wondering where the show was, and where to park. we wore sunglasses and happened upon a very large parking garage where we left not the truck, but a pair of sunglasses, in a parking stall next to two girls drinking coffee. we walked back out of the parking garage because the truck had disappeared for some reason. the show was a block away. i went. shirley didnt. she began to walk downhill and i went uphill. i sat down in the theater by myself. it was hot inside and i didnt know anyone. i left to look for shirley and found her downhill outside a bakery. i told her to come with me to the show because it was going to start soon. we began walking uphill. the hill never ended but the dream did. it was an entire dream of trying to get to a show that would never play, i never actually found out what the show was.
i don't understand, but at the same time i do. freud said dreams are your unconscious revealing itself. why my unconscious is so jumbled up is anyones guess. i dont think its actually unconscious, if my consciousness feels the same way all the time.

battles.

I keep trying;

and trying,

to salvage something, anything, any of the feelings that were felt before.

all that seems to happen lately is criticisms of things I'm not doing right. No happiness.

So cold.

Nothing but fighting. From all aspects; every corner of the relationship; has something wrong with it in your point of view.

And somehow its all my fault. I "don't put in effort".

All I can think; is nostalgic. Thinking back to how happy we were.

And wondering where the wrong turn was made.

And how all this hurt it's causing, maybe it's not even worth fighting for anymore.

I'm exhausted. And sick of being yelled at.

I don't deserve it. I'm tired. I don't know what else I can do.

silly/stupid.

i'm a little anti-social. i get worried meeting new people and i stumble on my words. I worry that i'll say something stupid, and i usually end up doing so. i'm a little silly. probably the only person with a silly haircut that actually has a silly stupid story behind it and a silly stupid meaning. i love receiving mail. even if its not from anyone. i shop online frequently just so i can receive mail. i love messages in bottles and sculpted figurines of mad scientists. creepy/silly. i love spray painting bookshelves wacky colors and owning bulgarian pilot hats. silly/random. i love long keys and bright purple hair. i love strange shoes, even more so when they're only ten dollars. i love old pepsi bottles, even better when they've got wooden figurines inside. even even better, when they're all the way from boston, and have red yarn around the top. i love japanese cartoons like kittens inside hamburgers and toast with silly faces. i love my real-life kitten. sleeping on the bed next to me. i love getting packages addressed specifically to me, containing words of reassurance, and most of the things listed above; a huge unexpected completely fantastic package, to make all problems disappear. i love huge grins on my face while i laugh at how complicated tape is. all the things that make life good: wooden ducks; paper with sparrows; feathers; hand-written; moon charts; open invitations to go where i want to with bunnies; and japanese mustache-man stamps. i think, things can be good with a little help from friends strangers. silly/adventurous. "AN ODD LITTLE PACKAGE FOR MY ODD LITTLE FRIEND"; and maybe we think exactly the same. i think its easier to say the most important things without words. i wear myself on the outside like a picture book to be read, and maybe its kind of silly/stupid but i'm really anti-social.

surrounded.

still wondering what to do; when everything costs money and the things that don't, they still come at a price. i want to get out of this town. i'm itching. i haven't had this feeling in a while. to just run away and forget my name and everything i've ever known. start fresh. i feel like drawing. and writing. and reinventing. doing everything opposite. working just to get by. i feel like there's so much pressure on me right now, and not necessarily for any reason in particular. i want things different. i want adventure. i want freedom and relief. and

i dont know

what to do.

at all.




about anything.

boyfriend/immigration protests/school/money - 50 grand? really? shoot me.

things just feel horribly impossible from all sides.

week days.

My head; its clearing up. Not much yet, but it's definitely a start. I'm very sick of feeling so down lately. Generally, I'm not a sad person. Quite the contrary. I love smiles. I love my smile. My face looks better when I'm smiling. Happy.Healthy.Young. It's like the universe noticed how sad I was, and threw me a lifeline. Free Beirut in parks. Green shirts with iron-on patches. Cigarette smoke; and Nicole. Austin. Reminding me of junior high. Reminding me why I loved these people in the first place. Funny; nonsensical. Austin's loud "boop!" whenever he'd see people crossing the street, just to freak them out. And Nicole being addicted to my crossword puzzles after she'd called me a nerd for doing them. Music floating in the air like a lover's scent. Trumpets ablaze. Sitting on Austin's back, snapping film photographs. Zooooom. Click! Dancing. Free sandwiches. Car rides. Calico cats. Coffee with Kylee early in the morning. Blueberry muffins. Old stores and new things. Familiar smells and ice cold water. Giggles piercing silence. Music humming far away, and not being alone. Missing Shirley. Loving Kylee. Having someone understand; shake me and tell me like it is. Spray painting bookshelves. Chocolate covered biscotti and tea. Conversation with someone who cares. A clean bathroom. A messy bedroom. No facebook. Cramps. Then sweet relief. Japanese paintings;;;lamplight. My mother showing up with a treat for me; for no reason. She's completely lovely! Topped off my night completely; made my day 1000 times better instantly. It's refreshing. To have someone who doesn't ditch out at the last moment; who answers my texts and calls, and says to my face "i love hanging out with you, you're so fun!" Lately, I try; and I receive no response. From anyone. Rejected. By so many, it adds up and its silly that it matters but maybe I need someone? In that moment. And no one answers. So thank you, universe; for realizing, I needed reassurance. That people still exist and maybe I'm not completely alone surrounded by dozens. That I can clear my head and figure out what it is that I want. What I need right now. I'm not sure what that is, but it's easier to wonder with a clearer head.
_j.

weep.

i like it soft,
i like it wet,
i like my makeup
in a mess.

so i cry hard

let it fall.

and i wont stop until my tears are all shed.


....so i weep.

mental blockage.

why is it that i truly deeply want to be happy;

but something feels all wrong?

what to do? anyone?....hello?

completely and utterly............lost.

i'm not sure what to think about anything. anything at all. its like i go through these cycles of needing people, and then hating myself for being needy and i want to cut off all contact just to prove to myself i dont need anyone but me. but then one part of me is horribly afraid of loneliness. i want to change majors but i feel like its one of those things that if i say it aloud too many times somehow it wont come true. and maybe the situation with the one you completely adore is completely less than perfect and maybe you wish it just didnt even exist just to take the stress off. maybe i just wish things would go my way for a second. actually have the deck shuffled to turn up in my favor. i feel a little out of luck lately. in basically all of my situations. i'm exhausted. whats a girl to do?

i suppose....something impulsive; and illegal...

but you didnt hear it from me.

Black Socks

A healthy foot has so much potential to bear pain, that it’s scary to be aware of a complete absence of pain, when it is healthy. This goes for all body parts, internal and external. Lurking in the lossy midtones of paranoid conciousness is that “stages of man” poster from the elementary school’s biology room that depicts a conga line of one homosapien painted incrementally along his lifeline. Politely, the right crop of the poster comes before the corpse and decay stages, but the imagination extends it over Einstein’s zany mugshot to places where logic and science clash with the utter inability to imagine the world without oneself. A one-camera movie with the one camera removed is simply no longer a movie. Ask the audience in the darkened theatre, and they will tell you, there is no movie. Will they be angry? Will they yell “start the movie! We don’t have all day!”? This crowd in our heads, will they just leave? Where will they go? Don’t they now have all day? Stay! I’m sure we’ll get this camera fixed! The movie will start again shortly! Won’t it? Hello?

Dear Jordan,

Congratulations on achieving a high GPA for Spring 2010 semester! We want you to know that we recognize the time and effort you gave to achieve this GPA. Good job and keep up the GREAT work!

---

That's right!

:)

Summer Solstice.

Celebrate life; with the summer solstice. Being out from sun up until sun down. You and I, we woke up early. Not too early, but considerably. Tired, still. We drove down to the sandwich shop to pick up lunch. We didn't eat, but put the food in our bags. We drove; and drove; and drove. Through sun-lit trees with bright green leaves; groves. Winding roads with the windows down. Fresh air; fresh mountain air. We walked; with deep breaths and tired laughs. We walked through trees, over dirt, and under oxygen; under the sky: blue blue blue. Tank tops and sneakers. Tripping over rocks. Over logs; over rivers. We talked. Movies and such. We rounded that corner, and saw the sun shining through the trees; onto the waterfall. We climbed the giant rock with slippery feet; and ate our sandwiches. Climbing back down, with our bums on the ground, down the steep rock, we put our toes in the water. The freezing water. We laughed and screamed, we wanted to run through the waterfall, but once the water became knee-deep, we chickened; because it was so cold. We trekked back down the mountain, barefoot. Rocks and all. Between conversations, half-hearted "ouch"'s. We drove; through the trees, and through the birds and spiders. Back down the path; that led to your house. Still early-morning. We got your front yard sprinkler. The fountain! How glorious! Bathing-suit-clad, we ran. Through the specs of water and rainbows. Hair soaking wet and shivering, we walked in the sun. We went to the marcado. We bought a Coke; in bottles. Hissing when the lid was removed and breathing a cold sigh of relieve. We walked into the sun.

real friends.

&& then;;; a different you & i. we went. we stumbled. we sweat in the hot summer heat. the long drive up but we both knew it was worth it. we made small talk; even though there were more words that needed to be said. we traveled; 80 miles per hour. you told me; you don't know how far a mile is; you use kilometers. you told me about your fear of glass floors; because of that time when you were five; and your older brother threw you onto one; you thought you were going to fall through. from so high up. you made voices, and screamed "AHH!" as if you were living the fright again. I laughed. you laughed. we reached our destination. we walked. through the hot sun; you in a plaid flannel long-sleeved shirt; and me thinking you were crazy. we walked inside the cafe. you liked it! i ordered. then you. i laughed when you pronounced "mint mocha" smoothie like "m-eye-nt moe-CHa"; the cashier looking at you and not knowing what you were saying; and me luckily understanding. i translate. i look at you. we walk. we sit. we talk. we drink. you laugh. i snap your photo. you laugh at me for hating pictures; as you secretly take one of me. you say you find things like this back home all the time. we eat. we leave. we walked. through the sun; more and more. around blocks and blocks; of tall shiny buildings as you tell me how much you love new york. i remember the dirt in my toes from earlier that day. I miss it. now in the city of concrete. we go into the antique store; with the giant fluffy cat. full of shoes and dresses and typewriters from the 70's. as we're walking and talking; you decide you want to see a movie; you insist i come. tonight. yes. now. lets go. we scramble; to my hot car. we drive drive drive. we buy tickets; i see old friends. i introduce you. you say "you have the bluest eyes!" i couldnt agree more. we wait for the movie; we browse the mall. we snap photos in a photobooth. you wouldnt take off your sunglasses; the ones you got in a gas station for ten dollars. & as we watch the movie; i keep thinking how i might have a small crush on bradley cooper. tss. the drive home; you teach me french. comment allez-vous, you ask? bien; i reply; embarrassed. only imagining how terrible my accent must be. you make fun of me; after i say you talk beautifully; by repeating everything i say; back to me in french. i admit, i like to listen.

the last few days;

have been so beautifully wonderful! no particular reason. I've just been lucky. My eye keeps spotting unexpected beauties everywhere. i quite love it. i hope things continue to be as serendipitous as they have. from - - so many antique stores! with so many of my favorite people! to tea time in my favorite place with my favorite person. to coffee and windy streets with someone so lovely. clouds in the sky and maybe...mmm...some purchases; hehe.

who says it cant buy happiness?!

LOVE. completely!

i wonder sometimes.

about how people develop. why do we all seem relatively happy as children, but grow old to be at a loss of hope and saddened and beat up by the world? why is it that when we're children everyone says "stop it" "shush" "you can't do that. you shouldn't do that"; and after a while, we start believing them? why are so few of us left active, healthy, and without personality disorders? we grow up to be the old cynical people we never wanted to be. Or the lonely, and sad, only because we accustom ourselves to believe that the world is too much to handle. It never used to be. We were just curious. Young and bright eyed. More full of wonder than anything else. The world was strange, but not a place to be afraid of.

--

So lets become children again. Regain control over ourselves and our perception of the world. Lets tell ourselves we can, instead of we can't. Lets make our worlds small, know our neighborhoods and ride bikes. Spend time with each other just because we've got all day. Play night games and quit worrying about mosquitos or work in the morning. Let the idea of money become abstract and unimportant. Learn to bake and have conversations. Receive heirlooms from strangers and become ourselves again. it might be difficult, but it's worth a shot. to enjoy ourselves and our existence. i think we can. mmm. yes. to become lovely.

<3 love. completely.

light.

I'm not sure what it is about photography that makes my heart sing. It's like a drug for me. I need it. I crave it. And when I nail something absolutely the way i saw it in my head, there's no way to describe that feeling. Works of art. Instantly. Tara is SO gorgeous and its amazing what you can do with just a little eyeliner and a few scarves. No makeup artists, no hairstylists. Just us. Me and a camera. Her and herself. And magic! My touch-up skills could still use some work, but I'm completely satisfied. This hobby is the best one I could've picked! <3

dreamy.

i feel incredibly inspired lately. to make and create things!
i want photoshoots!
i want clothing!
i want makeup, and hair!
i want to capture it. amazing works of art. all mine. i want books and friends and cups of tea.
please play with me?
my darling dear.
clear headed.
warm months.

thank you, for the relaxation.

remembering when.

ironically called "remembering when";
thats exactly what i was doing all night,
at the art ball.
this time,
i went solo.
well, third-wheeled.
which, might have been worse?

i remembered when we danced out on the patio,
in the chilly air.

they danced; i watched.

i remembered when we held hands, and surrounded by art, you couldnt take your eyes off of me.

they held hands; i watched.

i remembered when we had conversations all evening; during dinner, and during the ball.

they talked; i listened.

i remember walking through the sculpture garden, and sitting in the photo room talking about glory paintings.

they and me, we took a photo. them two, and me.

now i sit, remembering the earrings you got me in india; i wore them tonight.
while i sat alone; and looked at someone else's old photographs.
i wonder why, its so hard for me to be this one person,
when it used to be all i knew.
i wonder why, everyone is coupled up, and i appear to be the only one alone.
i feel like i'm intruding.
i wonder how, anything could really be wrong;
i'm alive; above ground and vertical.
but there's more;

goodness, i miss you. it grows more and more each day.

<3 i do love you.

only you.

my hands clenched around my steering wheel.
white-knuckled.
for the entire hour drive.
sitting up on the edge of my seat.
too frantic even for tears.
it was the longest hour of my life. it felt like days, and days.
thoughts racing. thoughts too gruesome; shaken out of my skull.
"no no, don't think like that. its impossible."
still-faced.
silent.
speeding.
wishing wishing wishing.
black skies and black roads.
three a.m.
exhausted; adrenaline pumping through my veins.
running inside your house. the door was unlocked.
i found you; a giant bottle of whiskey in your hands and tears streaming down your face.
"i'm tired," you said. "i love you, but i'm tired. exhausted."
you said you wanted to die.
there is no actual reason for valuing life over death, you say.
and i sit and wonder, why didn't your father listen to me when i told him you were in this state?
i took your whiskey; and i emptied it down the drain, and threw away the bottle.
and lied to you about it.
saying i dont know where it went.
you were drunk enough to think you'd misplaced it.
i wanted to teach you the value of life.
dr. manhattan style.
i wanted to show you that in life, millions upon millions of cells compete,
and humans; they couple up
and thousands of years later, your mother falls in love with a man she has every reason to hate,
and upon this contradiction of unfathomable odds,
it's you that ends up, distilled in so specific a form;
only you.
its like turning air into gold.
a miracle.
why wont you just understand?
you're a miracle. your very existence.
please, please, try for me.
"miracles by their definition are meaningless."
but you've proved that wrong by sitting in my sight, existing; in the first place.
please,
please,
no need to make things so complicated.
i just wish you'd listen.

bang bang.

i guess i'm not the only one who's had an off last few days. just off. weird. something doesn't feel right. it's not just me.

bad luck.

i remember you; and me. happy-go-lucky. not even expecting a thing.
art ball.
that was honestly, ....honestly, the best night of my life. best evening. best date. perhaps the night i fell for you. hard.
you showing up at my doorstep in a lavender-pin-striped suit. saying i looked beautiful.
we both knew i was on my period.
feeling like a fat cow. maybe hot flashes. insecurity. feeling ugly.
but you, you said i was the most beautiful woman you've ever seen; that night.
in a borrowed dress from the gap, and a feather in my hair.
eating at the trolley explaining that eating salads is more awkward than it should be when the lettuce is cut into large pieces. please don't look at me while i shove rabbit food in my face.
but we laugh. those awkward i-hardly-know-you-but-i-like-you laughs.
you took my hand and danced with me to cha-cha music in the background;
explained foreign art characteristics;
held my hand;
stole my heart;
drove me downtown to grab a root-beer float and let me wear your jacket in the chill of still-april air;
drove me home all the while telling me i'm beautiful;
took a walk with me around my block, kissing me softly; still telling me i'm beautiful.
me blushing. insanely blushing.
this nerdy incredible beautiful funny boy with hair longer than mine; that always smells like coconut.

and here i sit. alone again. the art ball in two days. no way it will compare. my heart aches. i don't want to go alone; not without you. i'm alive again with salty eyes just wishing for a moment we could be in love again. how silly i am. living in a dream. silly silly me. a silly impossible dream.
i miss you.

sweet, sweet sorrow.

Someone recently asked me, "which songs make you cry?"
To which I responded, "hmm?"
Only to have him show me a Blondie song with a beautiful bass line. His eyes teared up.
it was beautiful.
I loved seeing him that way. This way I've never seen him.
Sad emotions that have something wonderful to say.
So then I thought, and I remembered.
Nights driving in my car, my heart broken, a mixed cd in the stereo and my eyes flooded with salty tears; the music washing over me and my heart feeling like it could burst.
Fists trembling, cheeks pink and sticky.
all alone, all alone, all along.
again, breathing for one.
silly plans broken; loss of appetite.
take it in.
feeling emotions so strong, it only proves you are human.
to hate hate hate, and love the sadness. poetic.
feel it in your veins, your finger tips, your ribcage.
this, this is what it feels like to be alive.
a simple compromise. to feel so saddened. but to be alive.

you are alive.
breathing. blood vessels in-tact. to hear such sweet music with such a broken heart, no wonder the tears come so easily. this lovely awful paradox.
shaking, crying, feeling so small, in the same place; that same car, where nights were spent, just the two of you. you'd lean the front seats back and relax on his chest and try to get comfortable in an awkward space. at 3 am. in a convenience-store parking lot. listening to the weepies and singing quietly along dedicating every word to him.
and feeling like you could cry then, too.
in the passenger's seat, he's just a ghost now.
so happy then, and not even knowing what lie ahead; all this sorrow.
heartache.
silly, silly, silly.
complete opposite emotions. you think back, you could never feel so alive as you did then.
well,
this is it.
just now. the music; shaking; dark blue skies and black surroundings.
you are alive again.
just this time by yourself.

here are some songs, please enjoy. if you've got some time, kick back, eh?
maybe you wont understand. or maybe you will completely.
perhaps more than one tear dropped while writing and compiling this.
now you know.

(normally not a huge fan of Say Anything, this song is wonderful. The song speaks of a couple during World War II, hiding from Nazi's. He says even if they get caught he'll still think of her every day and if he gets killed, her love will fill him as warm as the bullets. She'll be his last thought).




<3

girlmonsterrr.

sometimes.

sometimes all you need are a few simple beautiful pictures to make your day a whole lot better...




using a camera I was completely unfamiliar with, i think i coped pretty well. i'm trying to save up money for my own lovely baby camera. i do think i love this hobby quite a bit.

I think the thing that bugs me the most about other people is getting mixed signals. Like when you see a friend you haven't seen in a while at a restaurant and they say "hey...?" like they've never met you before. Or like when someone says "I love you" but when they see you in person it's like you don't exist. I don't understand. That's bothersome for me.

mixed signals;

but if you bring it up,

it's not them, its you.

like somehow they make you believe its all in your head. what to do, what to do? it's a silly thing, breathing for another. before that, being alone was fine. but all of a sudden after you know, after you've tasted it, whats its like, you can't go back. the last thing in the world you want is going back to the way it was before. its silly.

get lost.

This person. She keeps my head up. She reminds me there's things to look forward to. That we can go out and take photographs that are so honest. Sans photoshop. Sans filters and curves and artificial light. She reminds me we are alive. And we love it. I love lenses and shutters and winding film. Ah! film! so genuine. I love friends. Good company. Keeping my brain looking forward to things. Dear randistarandi, you are, quite easily, my favorite human being. And you others, that have also been helping me along the way; dear shirley, for spending nights with me and making sure i'm not alone, dear macy, for reminding me that acceptance is easy and that looking past things that've already happened, they don't matter so much, and for listening to my craziness and being okay with it. Dear tara, for just making me laugh when i need it most; as well as Jasmine, Tania, Jordan, and all the rest of my lovely friends that've been keeping an eye on me. Thank you. Thank you. I am eternally grateful. And I appreciate your willingness to help and understanding. Mmm. I love you. You are loved.

tenatively.

Schedule, roughly from Monday morning until Wednesday evening:

1. Got my dream cell phone, again.
2. Shot two rolls of film of my very best friend.
3. Saw my other two best friends at a lovely orchestra concert.
4. Got film developed.
5. Went to lunch with the most amazing person on the planet.
6. Made love.
7. Went to dinner with the most amazing person on the planet.
8. Received a new baby nephew, one Damian James.
9. Got a horrible phone call, got my heart trampled on.
10. Picked up film prints.
11. Delivered film negatives
12. Cried and cried.
13. Saw shirley.
14. Cried more.
15. Saw randi, ate chunky monkey ben&jerry's together
16. Looked over prints
17. Held back tears.
18. Worried worried worried. About your well-being.
19. Fell asleep only out of exhaustion.
20. Woke up. wondered where you were.
21. Wondered why the one person I talked to, I couldn't talk to anymore.
22. Slept more.
23. Cried more.
24. Didn't leave my bed all day.
25. Eyes became exhausted from tears.
26. Wondering why it all happened so fast and without warning.
27. Thinking about how its funny that when I've got not much to live for at the moment, I consider getting a job.

What've I been reduced to? I feel ashamed, so small. Fragile. Frailty and weakness. I've no idea where to go from here. Sad songs and no thoughts. Nothing but you. I want no one, but you.

It's funny how things can change so quickly. What crazy days!

....

.....and just like that
we took our last breaths
heaving sighs and stuttering inhales interrupted by tears
even though "we loved with a love that was more than love"
who says how long love can last?
horridly apparent, nevermore.
alone, alone. awfully so.
quite possibly the worst way.
when trust is all we were riding on, the chord was snipped into nothing.
dropped into the farthest outer limits of space
drifting on my unknowings.
how did we get here?
the conscientious decision to pull the rug out from underneath my feet.
to put an end to the happiness.
leaving me in a constant state of wonder, and delusions.
a dream within a dream, i cease to exist, or forget how to.

right-o.

went up to salt lake for a spot of tea with the lovely boy today. he got english breakfast tea and i got a mocha coffee (my usual) as well as brunch, and oh, it was delicious! as well as beautiful. I've never seen such a beautiful place in my life. ah, so lovely.

lovely company. lovely food. lovely music. lovely day. mmm, yes, <3.

I'm so excited to get randi's photos back tomorrow. I'll post at least one when I get them back and scanned. abandonded houses and striped walls. hehe.

persistence of memory.

thank you, little followers. hehe. the numbers slowly climbing.

12.

not much. but more than none. thank you, for caring and sharing!

I was up until 5 am this morning working on my painting final, thinking i really shouldnt have waited until the night before to start it. I can pound out portraits like nobodies business and usually within 3-4 hours but painting shiny metal on melted clocks i've found takes more patience and care. but, eight hours later, i finished! (and got a 98!)

(there's a few things missing between the original and mine, can you spot them? hehe). most people say this piece is influenced by the freudian analysis of dreams but the freudian trend didn't really hit until after the A-bomb was dropped in 1940-something. This piece was painted in 1930...one? either way, before the freudian influence had really hit society. soooo i'm thinking dali was just on alot of heavy drugs when he painted this piece? "mm.....melted butter....oh look at the time!" or perhaps he'd just been much more up on his reading.

dee dee.

ahhh. new music. new-found old friend. no more negativity. i feel like, thought it was a step in a frightful direction, i made the right choice. i earned acceptance and that shows i had nothing to fear. silly me! either way. thank you friend. a weights been lifted. we can take steps forward.

I'm so SO excited to be done with school. I'm craving adventure and romance. I think I may pull out my purple jeans. I think I miss them. hehe. as ridiculously awful as they may be. Warm weather and new found knowledge of art history and marxism. I can take on the world!

serendipitous.

Serendipitous days. The writings. Single light bulbs. Lightening storms. Spider friends. Taj Mahal paper packs. Sensuous sandwiches. Ripped tights. Chanced stoplight meetings and the smell of nag champa. dumb and dumber. peanut m&m's. developing tanks (don't forget these moments). specific fabrics and love. finals finals finals. the classes i love so much. frilly shoes. the movement of clouds. rockabilly music and antique furniture. freaky art and kitchy things. fingers through my hair. stars and thoughts.

another update.

official trailer released, i am now more excited than ever to see this movie!




IT. LOOKS. SO COOL.

more more more feminism.

this woman. influences. wonder. bell hooks is such a wonderful woman. she has influenced my life greatly since i was first introduced to her writings in the 9th grade. a marxist feminist. she believes that everyone deserves mutual respect and understanding. she makes people understand that feminism is not a movement of women, but of people, working to diminish stereotypes and exploitation. that people of all classes and races should not be discriminated against. and that without love, there can be no justice. a writer of over twenty books, including childrens books, and making politics and feminism so incredibly easy to understand and relate to, bell hooks is easily one of the most progressive thinkers of yesterday and today. i got the opportunity to meet this lovely lady today and she was everything i hoped for and more. such a caring and genuinely sweet character who was so eager to meet everyone around her. i was so incredibly nervous when i finally shook hands with her, i introduced myself twice. face red, and camera ready, i snapped a few portraits of her on HP5 plus black and white film and bid her adiou only to reunite with her after her lecture to her saying "hello jordan!" and me getting giddy and wonderfully happy again. there is nothing about the spirit of this woman that people shouldn't learn from. she's so incredible and i'd urge anyone to read her books.





mmmmmm lovely <3