week days.

My head; its clearing up. Not much yet, but it's definitely a start. I'm very sick of feeling so down lately. Generally, I'm not a sad person. Quite the contrary. I love smiles. I love my smile. My face looks better when I'm smiling. Happy.Healthy.Young. It's like the universe noticed how sad I was, and threw me a lifeline. Free Beirut in parks. Green shirts with iron-on patches. Cigarette smoke; and Nicole. Austin. Reminding me of junior high. Reminding me why I loved these people in the first place. Funny; nonsensical. Austin's loud "boop!" whenever he'd see people crossing the street, just to freak them out. And Nicole being addicted to my crossword puzzles after she'd called me a nerd for doing them. Music floating in the air like a lover's scent. Trumpets ablaze. Sitting on Austin's back, snapping film photographs. Zooooom. Click! Dancing. Free sandwiches. Car rides. Calico cats. Coffee with Kylee early in the morning. Blueberry muffins. Old stores and new things. Familiar smells and ice cold water. Giggles piercing silence. Music humming far away, and not being alone. Missing Shirley. Loving Kylee. Having someone understand; shake me and tell me like it is. Spray painting bookshelves. Chocolate covered biscotti and tea. Conversation with someone who cares. A clean bathroom. A messy bedroom. No facebook. Cramps. Then sweet relief. Japanese paintings;;;lamplight. My mother showing up with a treat for me; for no reason. She's completely lovely! Topped off my night completely; made my day 1000 times better instantly. It's refreshing. To have someone who doesn't ditch out at the last moment; who answers my texts and calls, and says to my face "i love hanging out with you, you're so fun!" Lately, I try; and I receive no response. From anyone. Rejected. By so many, it adds up and its silly that it matters but maybe I need someone? In that moment. And no one answers. So thank you, universe; for realizing, I needed reassurance. That people still exist and maybe I'm not completely alone surrounded by dozens. That I can clear my head and figure out what it is that I want. What I need right now. I'm not sure what that is, but it's easier to wonder with a clearer head.
_j.